So I had my final appointment today. It felt quite weird but ok at the same time. It is the first time I have been discharged on a nice note. Usually my discharge has come about as result of me not following the programme, blah, blah - so it has always ended abruptly. However, today was nice. Me and my nurse recognised that even though my behaviours have slipped again, my attitude is much different.
My eating disorder is no longer about wanting to die or disappear. I see it more as a consequence....a consequence of messing around with food/weight for so long. Like how someone who abuses alcohol for a long time can end up with physical consequences - I abused food for a long time and the consquence is that I can't eat like a normal person. It is part of who I am now. In the past I would strive to restrict and lose weight, where as now there is no striving. I simply can not eat the amount required to maintain a healthy weight.
I am going to carry on using supplement drinks to keep my weight stable. I know this may sound ridiculous to some people - but I find it much easier to drink calories. There is no preparation or cooking involved, no plates or cutlery and no thinking, I just stick the straw in the carton and away we go. I have used the drinks for along time now. The whole point of going back into treatment was to get the drinks out, but the hospital have agreed that they work best for me. This is brilliant news as, now I have there support and recommendation my GP can't refuse to prescribe them to me :o) So all-in-all it was a happy ending.
Being back at uni is going well too - it is lovely seeing everyone again and having a purpose to my day keeps me smiling.
Night, night x x x
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