So I haven't written for a while. Things have been a bit strange. Like, I have had days where I have felt really low and anxious and days where I have felt fine and dandy. I haven't been reacting to the down days like I normally would. I guess you could say I have been quite pro-active. To start with I have tried to rationalise things a bit more. A few weeks near christmas I ran out of my meds. I have started them up again so I'm thinking the dip in mood and anxiety could be due to the meds re-entering my system - usual side effects etc.

I have been making more of an effort with my friends. The other night I was feeling quite down so I text a few different friends and arranged dates to meet for catch ups. I know it may sound silly to some people, but for me that was a massive piece of action and I'm quite proud of myself. I really don't want to spend this year isolating myself again. I don't want to lose touch with anymore special people in my life so I intend to keep up the effort required to maintain my friendships.

Physically I have felt like crap. Well not so much now, but for six days at least I had no energy, was sleepy all day at uni, sleeping-in on a morning and skipping lectures so I could sleep more. This really freaked me out because when I am tired I become scared. Scared of what? Well scared that I'm being lazy. I find it difficult to figure out if I'm being lazy or if I'm genuinely shattered. My head automatically thinks lazy and then starts giving me a hard time. I end up pushing myself to do more as a way of proving to myself that I am not lazy.

Any way sticking with my pro-active theme I bought multi vitamins ha! But I also made myself stick to a srict sleeping pattern - going to bed and waking up at the same time everyday. It seemed to do some good as I don't feel as bad now. I might just get my bloods checked at the quacks, if I can be bothered to make an appointment.

I start my placement for uni in two weeks. I'm really looking forward to it, especially as it means I don;t have to sit through boring lectures for six weeks. I'm worrying though about lunch. I don't eat lunch which is fine with me. But I'm worried that my supervisor/educator might see it as a bad thing. If I'm training to be a professional, to work with and help others then shouldn't I be taking better care of myself? That's what I'm worried she may think. I have thought about taking something in just so she can at least see me eat something, but I can't do it - don't want to do it. It will mess me up big time. I will have my fortijuice so I will be having something I just hope it doesn't become an issue - because it is not an issue. I think I will have to speak with my tutor at uni (who knows the score) and see what she thinks I should do.

Right I have babbled nonesense and missed my bed time...so see ya x x x

tut-tut

I have a psychotherapy appointment tomorrow but I can't go because it clashes with uni. I haven't rung to tell them this. I meant to, but I kept on forgetting and then it seemed too late. So now I will simply be a no-show. I will live to regret this, as it will take forever to be issued another appointment. Plus I will be too scared to call them. Why do I always put things off....grrr!!

Sluuurp

I feel like someone has stuck a straw in my head and sucked out all my energy..... I have no get up and go and it is driving me mad because I have so much to do before I go to bed. Lots of uni work.

I wish I had one of those Dragon-speech things so I could talk to my lap top and it would type for me. How cool would that be? I could lay down and close my eyes, yet still do my essay.

I had an interview yesterday. Yet another part-time retail job that I can do whilst at uni. They called me today for a second interview :o) If I get the job I will just be working Sundays - which means I can keep it up whilst I am on placement. A little bit of pocket money will be much appreciated. I miss Topshop :o(

just weird

I just sat playing a stupid a facebook game and cried. Well it was more like tears rolling down my cheeks. How good is that for multi-tasking. Seriously though, it was really weird. Physically I was crying but emotionally - well I was concentrating on the game.

What's even weirder is that at uni today I got told I have to change my whole research project. This is a massive pain in the arse as I have done tons of work towards this proposal. And to start again at this point is a massive pressure as I don't have much time left. Any way whilst my tutor was telling me I felt like I wanted to cry. Instead I smiled and said 'ok, no problem.' So at that point - physically I was smiling, but emotionally I was crying.

Weird huh?? x

Happy Ending :o)

So I had my final appointment today. It felt quite weird but ok at the same time. It is the first time I have been discharged on a nice note. Usually my discharge has come about as result of me not following the programme, blah, blah - so it has always ended abruptly. However, today was nice. Me and my nurse recognised that even though my behaviours have slipped again, my attitude is much different.

My eating disorder is no longer about wanting to die or disappear. I see it more as a consequence....a consequence of messing around with food/weight for so long. Like how someone who abuses alcohol for a long time can end up with physical consequences - I abused food for a long time and the consquence is that I can't eat like a normal person. It is part of who I am now. In the past I would strive to restrict and lose weight, where as now there is no striving. I simply can not eat the amount required to maintain a healthy weight.

I am going to carry on using supplement drinks to keep my weight stable. I know this may sound ridiculous to some people - but I find it much easier to drink calories. There is no preparation or cooking involved, no plates or cutlery and no thinking, I just stick the straw in the carton and away we go. I have used the drinks for along time now. The whole point of going back into treatment was to get the drinks out, but the hospital have agreed that they work best for me. This is brilliant news as, now I have there support and recommendation my GP can't refuse to prescribe them to me :o) So all-in-all it was a happy ending.

Being back at uni is going well too - it is lovely seeing everyone again and having a purpose to my day keeps me smiling.

Night, night x x x

I'm no superman

So I told him and it was ok. After ignoring his texts for a couple of days I think he was half expecting it anyway. I feel much better now that is out of the way, although in the back of my mind I'm wondering if I did the right thing. I have come back to comfort zone, back to what is safe. Safe doesn't move me forward, but hey.... I'm no superman.

So, back to uni tomorrow. Part of me is glad to be returning to solid structure and daily routine. Part of me is worried about facing a room full of people. I have basically isolated myself for two weeks so it may take a couple of days to get back into the swing of things.

I have my final ed appointment on Weds - you only get a years follow up after admission....my year is up...again! Stupid thing is I'm almost back at my 'admission weight.' But rules are rules so discharge here I come. I'm quite scared. I have had specialist ed support for as long as I can remember. The hospital have said if I'm referred back there I will only be eligable for the intensive care or risk reduction programme - both are short term and do not focus on recovery. Apparently I have used all my life lines. Will have to add that to my list of incentives to remain well enough to live.

Maybe being away from the hospital will allow me to focus on living as opposed to being 'ill.' In some ways it may be the best thing that has ever happened to me :o)

Well I best get to bed it's almost midnight and my alarm is set for 6am.... x x x