2011

So I have done a full circle with the whole being in a relationship thing..... I can't do it, don't want to do it and therefore I feel better.

I tried. The guy was lovely, too lovely sometimes. But however hard I tried I couldn't get away from the feeling of disgust I got everytime he wanted to kiss me. For some reason it made me want to punch him, kick him....sometimes spit at him. Now I'm no expert but that tells me things aint so good.

I took a while to reach this decision as I couldn't (and still can't) figure out if I should push past this feeling and maybe I would get used to it/him. I know that sounds silly but I always feel like this towards guys. I like them, spend time with them and the minute they want to go further I hate them. So this time I tried to ignore the feeling because I'm scared I will be alone forever if I don't. It didn't work though. I got myself in such a state yesterday as I was due to meet with him in the evening. After cancelling twice already I felt so pressured to meet up with him when I really I didn't want to. After talking to a friend I cancled him again.

Now what do I do? Well I know what I need to do, but how do I explain to him that it really isn't his fault and he really didn't do anything wrong.....sigh. I guess I will figure it out.

The weird thing is that I felt so much better knowing I don't ever have to spend time with him again. As much as I don't want to be alone forever, it's nice knowing I don't have to stress about that stuff for a while. It does leave me wondering if I will ever get past this. My therapist says many people who have suffered abuse go through very similar experiences. People I know have said they felt the same, some have grinned and beared it to allow for a relationship; some say they just switch off during intimate moments and some resort to alcochol.

So is that how it has to be??? How do you ever overcome such stong feelings of disgust?

Such big questions, questions which I hope to find the answers to this year. However, for now I am going to enjoy not having to worry about it. I could quite easily bow down to depression and thoughts of living alone, childless...forever! But that's the easy way out. 2011 is all about the fighting. I intend to battle on and enjoy the things I actually have right now as opposed to the things I don't.

Happy New Year!! Fingers crossed it's a goodie x x x

what a lovely day

I swear Christms day is the like the longest day ever....I'm so glad it is over. I enjoyed spending time with my family, but still it is always nice to get back to normality.

This year seemed to go better than the last few years. I guess my family are well and truely used to the fact that I don't eat xmas dinner. Sometimes I feel grateful for this as it means I am left to my own device and therefore don't have to think of excuses to not eat. However, sometimes I feel sad that even my family are in on my ed. They don't offer me chocolates, mince pies or anything considered enjoyable. This makes it easier for me to continue living as I do. Not that I blame them. It just makes it harder to even imagine being any different.

Christmas used to leave me feeling really down. I never understood why. This year that feeling stayed away until the end of the night. I put that down to tiredness more than anything. Spending a full day with my nieces and nephews - eight of them aged between 4weeks-12 yrs old. Surely that would tire anyone out!

So all in all Christmas in my world was good.

My two year old nephew proudly stated as he was leaving "what a lovely day" and I couldn't agree more :o) x x x

it should not be an issue.....it's progress :o)

It has been ages since I last posted and I have no explanation to offer, that's just how it is.

So.....I have completed the first year of my Msc, have now broke up for two weeks and it is freezing. I feel slightly lucky in the fact that we have managed to avoid the snow. Yes, I realise it will eventually reach us, but for now I am grateful for the break.

I haven't really planned my next two weeks and this scares me greatly. Where as most people look forward to the holidays, I dread them like I dread a visit to the dentisit. You see, I don't cope very well without structure. I fall to pieces. I get scared that I might over indulge in my day, you know like sleep longer as I don't have to be up early, or staying up too late - being greedy with time in general.

I have a couple of catch ups arranged with friends so I'm quielty confident that the next two weeks should go quite quickly.

Before typing this I was reading my old blog which seems so long ago. I was wittering on about choosing life and living, etc. Well it appears I have been living some life, more than I was back then at least. I have started seeing someone. Very, very casually, but still could be classed as a 'normal' relationship. I see him maybe once a week and that is about as much as I can handle.

After meeting up with him - I think to myself how lovely it was, then one week later I am having to force myself to do it again because all of sudden I don't want to see him and don't care if I ever do again.

Each time I have been glad that I forced myself to go because it has been lovely to see him. I just wish that it came more natural, you know, like I wish I spent the week looking forward to seeing him. It is hard for me to tell if ths means I'm not that in to him or if it is my own issues and my stupid head being a spiteful idiot as always. At the moment I'm tending to go with the latter. The plan is to continue meeting up with him and not listen to my head.

For me to even write that paragraph is a massive progress :) I do want to have a relationship with someone special. I have spent years pretending that I don't. Really I have just been afraid, for lots of different reasons. I'm not saying that this person will be my 'somebody special' but the process may help in the long run.

My other news....

I'm trying to move away from my obsession with recovery and eating like 'normal' people. I have accepted that I will never achieve that and do you know why?? Becuse I don't want it enough. It has taken me years to realise this.

Yeah, I want all the positives that come with being well; socialising more with friends, being able to eat in public, not obsessing etc, etc.. But I am not prepared to do the things required to achieve this. I can't/won't eat nice things. I can't/won't gain/maintain a healthy weight. I can't/won't increase my diet.

Can't/won't.....my nurse says it's 'won't'. I say it's 'can't'. Then sometimes I think it is 'won't.'

Whatever it is, I am able to accept that things are not going to change right now. So this allows me more time to focus on living. As long as I remain well enough to live my eating should not be an issue, an inconvenience maybe, but not an issue.....yay!

Blah, blah, blah....

Today has been one of those days.....blah.

Had my appointment this morning. Was feeling all fine and dandy, dandy and fine until I got there. Not too sure what happened exactly, but my head didn't like been there today. Came home feeling a million miles away from reality - not always a bad thing mind. Except the time just flies by, before you know it the day is over and you have achieved a big fat nothing:o(

Time to come back down to earth as I have a lot of reading to be done for uni tomorrow.

I keep hearing the phrase 'choose life' in my head. Those two little word choose and life...I think they sound quite pretty. There is something about those words that draws me in. You see I want to choose life but I'm not sure how you go about it. Many different people have offered their opinion; you need to eat properly, vary your diet, see your friends more, get a boyfriend, find a hobby, gain more weight, blah, blah, blah...

I wish people could understand - those things terrify me. Those things do not = life to me, they = misery, anxiety and depression. So with that in mind I ask again.....how do I choose life?

So.....what to write? I don't know really, just had an urge to write something. I always have the urge to write something that's why I decided to start a blog. Well actually I never have an urge to write when it comes to my uni work - instead I tend to spend ages formatting the page layout, making sure my header and footer look ok. I love doing the cover page and I love doing the refernce list, other wise I hate uni work.

I have what they call avoidance issues....I avoid anything that I don't like; from the minor things like essays to the bigger thing that is life. Yep I avoid life. Is that weird? Surely a lot of people do this. I mean who really likes life....real life? Pretend life is ok. You know when you kind of live inside your head and you create your own little world where everything is non-offensive. I could spend all day every day inside my own head but it's pretty hard to achieve, especially if you don't live alone, and you have a job, and go to uni and have quite a large family, and.... ok so you get the picture.

I think I'm angry. I'm angry at the things I have to do to live. Like, did you know you have to eat to live?? Yeh, apparantly so and I hate that. Second, you have to be above a certain weight to function properly - hence the eating thing. Also if you don't socialise you become lonely and life becomes pointless. You also become scared of people and outside. It's ridiculous. What ever happened to freedom of choice. What if you don't want those things, but you still want to live? People usually assume you don't want to live if you would rather go without lifes essentials......I hate assumptions.

So for about 3 months now I have been doing these 'normal' things in order to live and have a life. I actually feel worse for it, but people don't understand that. They see I am doing all these 'normal' things and they can't understand what my problem is...."but you look great!" If I hear that one more time I may have to hurt someone.

The message then becomes whilst you look ok, we will assume you are ok. Stupidness! So what is the point in me doing all these things that I hate doing? I may as well go back to the way I was and have some understanding....oh yeh, if I do that I can't have my life. Hmmm the words vicious circle come to mind.....grrrr!