it should not be an issue.....it's progress :o)

It has been ages since I last posted and I have no explanation to offer, that's just how it is.

So.....I have completed the first year of my Msc, have now broke up for two weeks and it is freezing. I feel slightly lucky in the fact that we have managed to avoid the snow. Yes, I realise it will eventually reach us, but for now I am grateful for the break.

I haven't really planned my next two weeks and this scares me greatly. Where as most people look forward to the holidays, I dread them like I dread a visit to the dentisit. You see, I don't cope very well without structure. I fall to pieces. I get scared that I might over indulge in my day, you know like sleep longer as I don't have to be up early, or staying up too late - being greedy with time in general.

I have a couple of catch ups arranged with friends so I'm quielty confident that the next two weeks should go quite quickly.

Before typing this I was reading my old blog which seems so long ago. I was wittering on about choosing life and living, etc. Well it appears I have been living some life, more than I was back then at least. I have started seeing someone. Very, very casually, but still could be classed as a 'normal' relationship. I see him maybe once a week and that is about as much as I can handle.

After meeting up with him - I think to myself how lovely it was, then one week later I am having to force myself to do it again because all of sudden I don't want to see him and don't care if I ever do again.

Each time I have been glad that I forced myself to go because it has been lovely to see him. I just wish that it came more natural, you know, like I wish I spent the week looking forward to seeing him. It is hard for me to tell if ths means I'm not that in to him or if it is my own issues and my stupid head being a spiteful idiot as always. At the moment I'm tending to go with the latter. The plan is to continue meeting up with him and not listen to my head.

For me to even write that paragraph is a massive progress :) I do want to have a relationship with someone special. I have spent years pretending that I don't. Really I have just been afraid, for lots of different reasons. I'm not saying that this person will be my 'somebody special' but the process may help in the long run.

My other news....

I'm trying to move away from my obsession with recovery and eating like 'normal' people. I have accepted that I will never achieve that and do you know why?? Becuse I don't want it enough. It has taken me years to realise this.

Yeah, I want all the positives that come with being well; socialising more with friends, being able to eat in public, not obsessing etc, etc.. But I am not prepared to do the things required to achieve this. I can't/won't eat nice things. I can't/won't gain/maintain a healthy weight. I can't/won't increase my diet.

Can't/won't.....my nurse says it's 'won't'. I say it's 'can't'. Then sometimes I think it is 'won't.'

Whatever it is, I am able to accept that things are not going to change right now. So this allows me more time to focus on living. As long as I remain well enough to live my eating should not be an issue, an inconvenience maybe, but not an issue.....yay!