2011

So I have done a full circle with the whole being in a relationship thing..... I can't do it, don't want to do it and therefore I feel better.

I tried. The guy was lovely, too lovely sometimes. But however hard I tried I couldn't get away from the feeling of disgust I got everytime he wanted to kiss me. For some reason it made me want to punch him, kick him....sometimes spit at him. Now I'm no expert but that tells me things aint so good.

I took a while to reach this decision as I couldn't (and still can't) figure out if I should push past this feeling and maybe I would get used to it/him. I know that sounds silly but I always feel like this towards guys. I like them, spend time with them and the minute they want to go further I hate them. So this time I tried to ignore the feeling because I'm scared I will be alone forever if I don't. It didn't work though. I got myself in such a state yesterday as I was due to meet with him in the evening. After cancelling twice already I felt so pressured to meet up with him when I really I didn't want to. After talking to a friend I cancled him again.

Now what do I do? Well I know what I need to do, but how do I explain to him that it really isn't his fault and he really didn't do anything wrong.....sigh. I guess I will figure it out.

The weird thing is that I felt so much better knowing I don't ever have to spend time with him again. As much as I don't want to be alone forever, it's nice knowing I don't have to stress about that stuff for a while. It does leave me wondering if I will ever get past this. My therapist says many people who have suffered abuse go through very similar experiences. People I know have said they felt the same, some have grinned and beared it to allow for a relationship; some say they just switch off during intimate moments and some resort to alcochol.

So is that how it has to be??? How do you ever overcome such stong feelings of disgust?

Such big questions, questions which I hope to find the answers to this year. However, for now I am going to enjoy not having to worry about it. I could quite easily bow down to depression and thoughts of living alone, childless...forever! But that's the easy way out. 2011 is all about the fighting. I intend to battle on and enjoy the things I actually have right now as opposed to the things I don't.

Happy New Year!! Fingers crossed it's a goodie x x x